The day my brain exploded.

13669662_10210091929922575_5958229277461040631_nThere are incremental actions you can take to transform your life and your self. Transformation expands from your self to the relationships around you. It’s often a smooth motion of awesomeness seeping into every aspect of your life. And then sometimes, there are truth bombs. That when detonated, leave a crater so huge you have no choice but to recreate yourself and your being, completely and in one fell swoop. 

Yeah, I’m there. 

Yesterday, with the help of an incredible coach, we uncovered that the entirety of my existence has been devoted to saving people who probably don’t even want to be saved. Hell, lets be real. Often even, people who didn’t need saving at all. I’m talking every aspect of my life, here. That. Is. Huge. 

I would seek out people to save. Like a drama magnet. I would solve problems that didn’t exist for people, that didn’t have them. I was on this earth with a purpose and a fierce drive to be the best at it. I had to be. Saving of the planet is where I drew my importance from. That was what filled my worth cup. That’s who I was. It was me. My name is Billie and I will save you from your life whether you appreciate that or not. 

It wasn’t always like that but it happened quickly and it swiftly solidified my identity. When I was a kid I was the only one that could bring calm to the chaos. People around me responded beautifully to that and my little heart saw and felt their response, and it was good. And so was born, savior Billie. My life’s work would be to save people who didn’t need saving in order to recreate that feeling of importance. Someone hand me a bucket, I’m going to puke. Because, ew. How could I have missed this all these years?

I’m known for bulldozing and chasing. If I wanted to “save you”, I would. If you were in my way, you wouldn’t be for long and Heaven help you if I didn’t like you. Seeing that and getting present to it…well, my head pretty much exploded. Boom. 

So much energy has been poured into other people’s lives. I’ve said before that one of my biggest annoyances is time wasting and I have almost always had a time-poor complex. All the time I spent all those years being a bigger stand for people than they were for themselves. I’m exhausted and they’re resentful. It’s over. 

Don’t get me wrong. Finding and integrating solutions is something I love doing. With my whole entire heart. And it’s an honor to be leaned on. An absolute honor. One I take incredibly seriously and one that I will rise to the occasion for, when asked. But there will be no more seeking it out. Super Woman has left the building.

I. Am. So. Ready. I am ready to be a friend. The kind that can totally be with you being whomever the heck you are, without judgement. The kind who is grateful that you can be with whoever the heck I am. You have my number and you know where to find me. 

Hello, my name is Billie and I am whoever I say I am. 

3 thoughts on “The day my brain exploded.

  1. Very well said my beautiful friend! I love you and appreciate you honesty. You are one of a kind in every way!

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